Shop 'Til You Drop ( When your kid is addicted to shopping)

My 19-year-old son is addicted to shopping. What can we do to help him deal with his addiction?

When you say he's "addicted," I assume that he spends more than he can afford on things that only satisfy him temporarily—then he goes out and spends more.

Does he agree that he's a shopaholic? If he is spending your money you have more leverage—but if it's his own money, he just may have a different opinion of what constitutes a need (latest clothing, sunglasses, watches). Also, is he getting into debt?

One of the psychological underpinnings of excessive shopping includes "conspicuous consumption." That is, showing off. In other words, spending money and displaying expensive finery is a quick way of saying, "Look at me, I can afford this stuff, so I must have it going on."

Another, related issue, is the belief that owning some object will deeply satisfy you. Often, buying an item produces "buyer's remorse," in which you feel let down, which prompts you to do what? Lust for more, buy more, and repeat the cycle.

Why do you think shopping malls exist? To satisfy people's desire to acquire. In the US, rising debt and insolvency is part the result of psychological quirks such as excessive shopping.

Is your son getting into debt and falling into a cycle of (a) buying (b) getting bored (c) and buying more? If so, he can do a couple of things.

First, remember that momentarily satisfying the lust to acquire only lasts a short while. The emotional spin-cycle is controllable when understood as a short-lived—and therefore misguided—attempt to feel lasting satisfaction.

Second, look at the practical aspects of conspicuous consumption: There are some practical advantages to displaying nice finery, such as more attention and higher status among peers.

However, remember also that there are some emotional disadvantages, such as feeling only as much worth as the tally on your credit card.

Compulsive shopping can temporarily mask a sense of worthlessness. This turns shopping into an emotional problem, indicating a poor sense of self that may require attention from a psychologist. We all buy things for ourselves on occasion; it becomes an issue if we do it regularly and to prop ourselves up.

www.psychologytoday.com

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Is the To-Do List Doing You In?

When the to-do list brings black clouds—and anxiety. Here's how to make the list work for you.

By: Kathleen McGowan

Many days seem to bring an endless barrage of tasks and responsibilities, all of which apparently must be tackled right away. You spend the day putting out fires, but by the end of the day you haven't accomplished any of the really important things you set out to do.

In desperation, you draft a to-do list—but most days, you can make little progress with it. When you look at the list each morning, a big fat cloud of doom is right at the top—those difficult, complex, important tasks that are so crucial to get done—and so easy to avoid.

Plenty of us create a to-do list to address feelings of being overwhelmed, but we rarely use these tools to their best effect. They wind up being guilt-provoking reminders of the fact that we're overcommitted and losing control of our priorities.

Is there a better way to use the to-do list? Experts on procrastination and efficiency say yes.


There's a right way and a wrong way to do a "to-do." According to procrastination researcher Timothy Pychyl, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, people often draw up a to-do list—and then rest on their laurels. The list itself becomes the day's achievement, allowing us to feel we've done something useful without taking on any real work.

In fact, drawing up the list becomes a way of avoiding the work itself! "Too often, the list is seen as the 'accomplishment' for the day, reducing the immediate guilt of not working on the tasks at hand by investing energy in the list," says Pychyl. "When a list is used like this, it is simply another way in which we 'lie' to ourselves."

It's an example of what's been called the "procrastination field"—we're preparing ourselves to work, we're getting all set to take it on, but we never actually start doing it. Instead, we waste time and make ourselves feel terrible by circling around it.

For many people, that takes the form of attending to a barrage of tiny details and immediate requests. Burying yourself in busywork is an effective way to avoid more important—and more challenging—tasks. Pychyl says that procrastinators typically "binge" on low-priority activities, bustling about with stuff that's second- or third-level priority, rather than tackling the things they really need to do.

If this is your pattern, a to-do list can be a big help—if you use it the right way. If there's one dreaded chore that stays on the top of your list for a while, says Pychyl, that's a signal that you should either tackle it right away or admit you're never going to do it and strike it off the list altogether.

Break it down. In order to make it easier to begin working on big, intimidating tasks, efficiency experts suggest breaking it down into much smaller parts composed of specific, tangible activities. Research has shown that tasks that don't have an obvious action plan or structure are the hardest ones to face.

Make it easier on yourself by listing specific actions and subgoals. Your to-do list will get much longer but, paradoxically, will be a much more helpful tool.

Make a flow chart. This type of list "becomes a 'flow chart' that tells you when to start and when you'll be finished," says psychologist and life coach Neil Fiore, author of The Now Habit. "You create an overview and act like a project manager who is less likely to be overwhelmed or distracted by low priority or urgent tasks."

Each item on the list should have a priority assigned to it, he says. Another way to motivate yourself is to schedule alternating tasks: spend one hour on a number-one priority item, and then "reward" yourself by doing something easier and lower-priority for the next 30 minutes.

Maintain focus. Lists help you maintain momentum. If you're working on an important but difficult task, and a concern or thought bubbles up regarding a different responsibility, jot it down and return to it in a half hour or so when you're done with the project you were working on.

Get real! Fiore says that a strength of to-do lists is that they force you to be realistic about the amount of time you have and to make some hard decisions about priorities. "Realistically, you can't do it all," he says. "But you can focus on the best use of your time now, in alignment with your higher priorities and with the reality of human limits, humbly accepted."

www.psychologytoday.com/

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WHAT MAKES A WINNER?

Have you ever wondered why some people always seem to success, no matter the odds against them, while other never seem to get anywhere no matter matter how hard they try?. Are people born either winners or losers, or is it as Shakespeare has said : “ Men at some time are masters of their fates: “the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our star, but in ourselves, that we are underlings?”

Denis Waitley (author of “Seed of Greatness” and “The winner’s Edge”).
There is a fine line between them and the rest of the pack. He calls this line the winner’s edge. This edge isn’t the result of priviledge environment, of having a high I.Q, a superior education, or unusual talent. Nor is it a matter of luck. The key to the winner’s edge, he has found, is ATTITUDE.


There are many ingredients in a winning attitude, but the most important is being honest with yourself. To do this, you must follow three major precepts.

First: Assume responsibility for your actions.
There is a saying that goes: as we sow, we reap. Scientists talk of cause and effect. The meaning is the same; Our reward depend on the contributions we make. You yourself must take the credit or the blame for your place in life.
Responsible people look at the sackles they’ve placed upon themselves, and in a moment of truth, they declare their independence.
(Joe sorrentino grew up in an inner-city neighborhood, became a teenage gang leader and served time in a reform school. Remembering a seventh-grade teacher’s confidence in his academic aptitude, he relized that, despite his high school record, his only hope for success was through education. He returned to night school at age 20, went on to University of California, where he graduated magna cum laude, and then finished at Havard Law school. He became an outstanding junevile-court judge in Los Angeles. None of this would have happened if Joe Sorrentino had not had the courage to alter his destiny.

Second: Find your own gifts; follow your own goals
In Shakespeare’s HAMLET, Polonius tells his son:
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the nigh day, Thou canst not then be false to any man”
Polonius was advising his son to live according to his own deepest convictions and abilities-daring to be different while respecting the rights of other. Most of us however, find ourselves in a quandary. How do we really want to send our lives? How do we know we have selected the right career or the proper goals?

Third: Don’t escape-Adapt
The key of success, to mental and physical health, is adaptability. Under pressure, many of us become depressed, lose our incentive and excitement about life. We tend to drink more, smoke more, or rely on traquilizers to help us cope. While alcohol and other anti-anxiety drugs temporarily reduce emotional reactions to threats of pain or failure, they also interfere with our ability to tolerate these stresses.
One of the best way to adapt to many stresses of life is to simply accept them as normal. The adversity and failures in our lives, if we view them as corrective feedback, serve to develop in us immunity, the adverse responses to stress.
John Gardner in his book Self reneval, states that the winners in life do not leave their growth to chance. They pursue it by carrying on an endless dialog between their potentialities and the claims on their lives. In developing our society attitudes for success, we must recognize that there is more freedom in society than ever before and more opportunity to express our talents and opinions.
Those who feel they are forced to do things or to escape are not in control of their lives.
In short, LOSERS LET LIFE HAPPEN TO THEM, WINNERS MAKE IT HAPPEN.

(condensed from “Seed of Greatness” and “ The Winner’s Edge” by Denis Waitley)

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I FORGIVE U WHOLEHEARTEDLY

Before I forgave anyone myself or helped others to learn to forgive, I used to think that forgiveness only benefited the offender. In the process of struggling with forgiveness, I have found that it is my own soul that receives the graetest benefit from forgiving others.
What does it mean to truly forgive? forgiveness is a process. You can begin the forgiveness process today.For deep offences, it may take years to experience the full freedom of forgiveness. I compare forgiveness to peeling the layers of an onion. You can dig deeply and take off many layers at once, but there are lots of thin layers as well, which makes forgiveness a process of patiently addressing issues that come up.
Forginess is a decesion. The most important contribution you can make in the process of forgiveness is to trust God wholeheartedly to make the decision to forgive. In human matters, forgiveness comes down to a decision. It's important to trust that God knows more than you do and that forgiving the person who hurts you will eventually heal you.

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THE FINE ART OF CATCHING LIARS

Psychologist Dr. Paul Ekman ran the film over and over again until he found the clue. Mary a housewife who had attempted suicide three times and had been confined to a mental institution, appeared chipper and confident on screen as she asked her doctor for a weekend pass. Her interview, secretly shot for reaserch purposes was so convincing that Mary got the pass, but she subsequently admitted that she had been lying and had wanted to get away for another suicide try. By slowing down the film, Ekman found that Mary;s face had sagged into despair, a telltale ‘micro expression’ that lastest only one twenty-fourth of second. Later he found other quick movements of deceit, a slight hand shrug, a brief lift of a shoulder.

In his book TELLING LIES, Dr. Ekman, a professor of psychology at the University of California at San Fransisco, says that catching liars is an art that anyone can learn: most unwittingly release a barrage of give away information when they lie. The key to judging sincerity is to pay close attention to the signals issuing from a talker’s face,body and voice. In one of Dr. Ekman’s experimentals, all 50 members of a group of volunteers learned to pick up revealing micro expressions as brief as one twenty-fourth of a second long. “Liars”, he says, “unusually do not monitor, control and disguise all their behavior”.

Dr. Ekman’s lesson come with one large caveat: even the best liar catchers cannot be right one hundred percent of the time. The ear

Tugger, the evasive rambler and the fellow who refuses to look you in the eye may not be lying, but they may just be fidgety thruth teller who is afraid of being accused of deceit. The person who rubs his nose every 30 second may be dissembling, or he may simply be displaying a lifelong nervous habit. Diplomats, natural performers and pathological liars are often impossible to read. Says Dr. Ekman; “We live in a probalilistic world. You’re only going to make an estimate”. (Nazi Dictator, Adolf Hilter, Dr. Ekman believes, was good at lying because of his ability to hide his emotions. British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, duped by Hitler at Munich in 1938, once wrote,”Here was a man who could be relied upon when he has given his word”.)

Still, Ekman offers many useful gidelines for sorthing out every liars. Among his tips:
1. A prolonged smile or look of amazement that lingers is probably false. Almost all authentic facial expressions fade after four or five seconds. According to Dr. Ekman, there are 18 kinds of authentic smiles.
2. The body gestures and facial expressiona of liars are often out of sync. The person who bangs the table but then waits a split second to produce an angry face is probably faking.
3. Crooked, or asymmetrical, facial expressions are usually deceitful.
In seventy percent of people tested, the pitch of the voice rose slightly when they were upset, afraid or angry, a broad clue to the possibility that were lying.
Speech error, such as slips of tongue and odd pauses, often reveal lying, Dr. Ekman says, but body language provides the richest lode of information because liars usually do not bother to conceal it.

A sure sign of decei, Dr.Ekman says, is the presence of a’leakage-emblem” the unconscious misuse of common gesture, such as delivering a one shoulde shrug. A liar can show these leakage emblems again and again, and usually neither the liar nor the victim will notice them.

Dr. Ekman began studying the psychology and psychology of lying 18 years ago, chiefly to help identify patients who were lying to their therapists. He doesn’t feel that his finding are conclusive but thinks that someday it may be possible to isolate emotions and authenticate them by their own sign. “If you pick up specific emotions, exact emotions,
He says, “It would be much more accurate than a lie detector, which has only limited value the way it is currenly used”.

A foolproof way to detect lies could also present some painful problems. “What would life be like if we could not lie at all”, he wonders, “If there were no way we could ever hide our feelings?”. One sign of the possible-and eager-beneficiaries of such a world came when Dr. Ekman delivered a lecture in Leningrad. Two well-dressed soviet men asked Dr. Ekman many intense question about his work, then identified themselves as workers in “an electrical institute responsible for interrogation”.

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MATURITY (growing up or just getting older?)

Ann Landers was a popular columnist who was read by millions all over the world. Almost every day sacks of mail were delivered to her from people who came from different parts of the globe, no matter what their age, statusor profesioan might be.
Some of letters dealt with serious problems, ther with simpler ones, and each was answered in a straightforward, matter-of-fact way.
Whether the problem was large or small, Ann landers gave it her undivided attention. She realized that each problem was af utmost importance to the letter writer and that the reply was needed. One thing that was common in most of these letters was that the writer had a problem with which he could not cope. And, In many cases, the inability to cope was resilt of immaturity.

Reaching the age of eighteen-in many countries the official age for adulthood-is not guarantee of maturity. Maturity, according to Ann Landers, is not regulated by the calendar. In other words, what she was saying was that a number of us have never grown up, that countless individuals who may be financial and professional giants are, in many respects, still emotional midgets. in her own words, the fact that a man has replaced his tumb with a cigar is no proof that he is grown.
Here are some of her definitions of maturity:
1. Maturity is ability to control anger and settle differences without violation or destruction.
2. Maturity is patience, the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favor of the long term gain.
3. Maturity is perseverance, sweating out a project in spite of opposition and discouraging setbacks.
4. Maturity, is unselfishness, responding to the needs of others.
5. Maturity is capability to face unpleasantness and disappointment without becoming bitter.
6. Maturity is humility. A mature person is able to say, “I’m wrong”. He/she is also say “I’m sorry”. And when he/she is proved right, he/she doesn’t have to say ”I told you so”.
7. Maturity means dependability, integrity, keeping one’s word. The immature have exuses for everything. They are chronically tardy, the no-shows, the gutless wonder who fold in a crises. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, unfinished business and former friends.
8. maturity is the ability to live in peace with that which we cannot change.


(Adapted from READER’S DIGEST)

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